I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
