if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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