i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
