Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just want nice things and good sex
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
