well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
