my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
