Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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