Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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