Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
