Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
