So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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