Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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