That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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