I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
