The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize