Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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