No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
