barbara walters just said penis...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I supernannyed him into submission
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
