so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
