My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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