Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
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