also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
