Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
