How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Randomize
