I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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