Screwed.edu
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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