i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
