I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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