I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sext me about skeletons
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
