apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
