I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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