im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
