Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize