Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
