just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
we should paint friendship bongs
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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