i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
