who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
