I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
