Will you blow on my dice?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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