M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
