Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I will pee on everything he values.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
