well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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