My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
