tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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