well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
