Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
