i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
