I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
