new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
