please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
