dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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