life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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