Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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