Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
