I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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