i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
