Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't deserve a penis
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
