I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
