I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
